I'm a writer, comedian, and responsible pet owner. Available for weddings and bar mitzvahs (but just to eat).

Management: Brian Steinberg at Principato Young | 212-725-0010

Contact: eliot@eliotglazer.com

My web serieses, It Gets Betterish, Haunting Renditions, and Eliot's Sketch Pad are worth your time, I promise.

I also created My Parents Were Awesome, which is also a book that you can buy! With money!

When girls are really excited, they could take a fire hydrant.

I don’t do porn, but if I were [Asian] I’d definitely do porn.

[My balls are] massive. When I [hit puberty], they were already the size of Grade-A eggs.

I sucked myself until I was 18 years old. I can’t do it anymore—I get upper neck problems.

Interview with the owner of the world’s largest penis, who might have behavioral concerns.
  1. theidiotking said: "I sucked myself." guh. i want to die.
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