I'm a writer, comedian, and responsible pet owner. Available for weddings and bar mitzvahs (but just to eat).

Management: Brian Steinberg at Principato Young | 212-725-0010

Contact: eliot@eliotglazer.com

My web serieses, It Gets Betterish, Haunting Renditions, and Eliot's Sketch Pad are worth your time, I promise.

I also created My Parents Were Awesome, which is also a book that you can buy! With money!

I am going to beat the living fuck out him. I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I fuck him right up.

Once I am done with him, I am going to whip my dick out and piss on him, right in his motherfucking face.

— DMX on wanting to box George Zimmerman, the guy who killed a child and is now doing charity boxing tournaments because that’s what you do after you kill a kid!

Next’s “Too Close” may APPEAR to be a 90’s anthem about BONERS, but it might also be a meditation on ETERNAL YOUTH!!!

"Be My Lover" by La Bouche: solid proof that love is TERRIFYING

HBO has a very important, very VERY good show about gay guys coming out called LOOKING, and they asked me to make some videos for it. 

Here’s the first one, titled “The Reluctant Gay Dude’s Guide to Modern Gay Vernacular,” for those of us who sound like we’re sheepishly asking for directions any time we try and say “Werq, hunty.”

"If they can put a man on the moon, they can put a Chico’s in the clouds." - Alex on Happy Endings, in believing that SkyMall is a mall in the sky

It doesn’t matter if you slap the number 18 at the beginning of your list. What you’re producing is still essentially just a single paragraph from a 5th-grader’s journal entry. And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the teacher gave it a check minus, because there’s so little thought that goes into this stuff. So little care. It’s churned out as quickly as possible, with little planning and no viewpoint.

It’s why articles about Saved by the Bell characters don’t actually say anything about the characters. They just say that the characters existed. They never say anything about the ’90s, they just want you to remember them. Over and over and over, until every week or so, there’s a new post about how Tamagotchis were once a thing.

Favorite Onion headline of 2013, hands down.

Favorite Onion headline of 2013, hands down.

I <3 the 90’s!

U <3 the 90’s!

We all <3 the 90’s!

Paula Abdul TOTALLY GETS ME!

Paula Abdul TOTALLY GETS ME!

Key & Peele, FIX MY LIFE

What are we talking about when we talk about RODNEY KING? 

And what are we talking about when we talk about MC SKAT KAT? 

(Exactly.)

HAUNTING RENDITIONS episode 3: Avril Lavigne Kroeger’s “Sk8r Boi”: a journey of existential anguish, Shakespearean tragedy, and PUNKS

More HAUNTING RENDITIONS here

cocooncentraldanceteam:

THE FULL LIVE STREAM COVERAGE OF COCOON CENTRAL DANCE TEAM’S OPENING CEREMONY PERFORMANCE FOR THE 2013 ING NYC MARATHON.

Watch this clip from the beginning to somewhat experience how surreal this was as it leads into our intro video + live dance. If you wanna take the shortcut, start this clip at about 2:10 where our portion begins.

"If you don’t know, now you know." - Notorious BIG re: this video of the Cocoon Central Dance Team

"But what is Destiny’s Child’s ‘Bug a Boo’ really about?” - you, just now